Friday, July 29, 2016

Crime against Mermaids in 3096 AD

[PS: - This is no child's play dude. It's coming directly from the 3 lit cranial vault of my six years old boy. Mind noting the time-line? Well, now we are in 3096 AD. My kid's imagination #colgatemagicalstories may contain some allergens in the form of raw words which can elicit a hypersensitivity reaction to sensitive readers hailing from historical era, so please do not proceed if you think you’re one of them. Otherwise, carry on at your own risk!]

Prof Blackbeard spilled few drops of sulfurous cappuccino on his tabletop virtual LCD as he banged the table with full gratification. His assistant Dr Barracuda could sense the joy of discovery from his senior’s fist language, so he left his solar journal over the desk and rushed to professor’s cabin coiling his entire 37 feet tail. Barracuda’s assumption was exact as usual, he saw two yellow LEDs blinking on Blackbeard over oiled pinkish horns. “Sir, could you gather the much needed data from that weird country on Earth?” Barracuda inquired optimistically.

Blackbeard pulled Barracuda by his mane before he could anticipate, “Look my boy, this small piece of land over the Indian Ocean is called India… a very interesting country in itself… unfortunately it took me damn half Neptune year to get hold of their national crime records, which is again very interesting!”

Barracuda was looking attentively on the giant window screen as professor revealed his reason for excitement. “Interesting crime data…?” he mumbled.

“You won’t believe violence against Mermaids is the fastest growing crime over there!” Blackbeard paused with utter disappointment.

“What… how can there be crime against Mermaids? Aren’t there enough men to protect them?” Barracuda’s eyes swollen up as his 37 feet coiled up tail relaxed down on Jupiter-marble floor.

“The data I retrieved says that a crime has been recorded against Mermaids in every 3 minutes in India… at least two Mermaids get raped every hour and every six hours a married lady is either beaten to death, set on fire or forced to commit suicide… and in most cases a man is responsible!”, the yellow glow over professor’s horns dimmed as his tone took a serious diversion.

“So in-alien!!! By the way, is the culprit deported from Earth after such gross misconduct?” Barracuda was getting more and more involved to this issue about an alien land.

Blackbeard laughed out loud and somehow stopped himself from rolling on the floor, “Criminals are relatively safe there as the existing law is more than fallible which leave the victim woman physically, socially and psychologically drained! The moment she is assaulted her first fear is acceptability by near ones and her near ones’ fear is acceptability in society. Everybody is bothered of the unlucky black sheep… who’ll care for the dirty wolf? Barracuda, you’ll be amazed by the varieties of crime done against Mermaids in India, like, rape, incest, abduction, molestation, sexual harassment, trafficking, dowry death, torture etc. Now for Milky Way’s sake, don’t ask definition of these crimes, as I know you’re not acquainted with most of them. Just know, all of them are really in-alien to even imagine!”

“Sir, kindly if you could elaborate that word – dowry death…” Barracuda requested.

“Ah fine, you may Nep-Search by the keyword. I’ve already uploaded the fact files in Nep-net’s central server” Blackbeard put back both of his alloy eyeballs in the socket and took a deep sip of the sulphurous coffee.

“Sir, could you arrive to any possible cause of such in-alien behavior towards Mermaids in that eerie land?” Barracuda was in no mood to quit the discussion. He was a man-alien, so naturally he was charged up!

Professor offered Barracuda a mug of cappuccino and reclined on his beanbag transformed tail, “It’s a long story… actually, there are too many factors responsible behind violence against Mermaids in incredible India. But right now I’ll only narrate you the one that touched my uranium heart valves when Prof Sadie from Saturn explained it to me the other day over teleporter-conference. Well, frankly speaking his theory was nothing outstanding… in fact I could draw a better one if Neptune was little more closer to Earth like Saturn… the bloody advantage of distance she had grabbed...”

Seeing his professor getting out of track Barracuda cleverly tried to manage the emotional instability, “Oh yes Sir… off course… who doesn’t know how much your theories on polygamy in Pluto was acclaimed by inter-solar critics in the Solar System Conference of Sociology last year! Whereas Prof Sadie couldn’t even get her publication accepted in the conference… I’m sure this theory which you’re talking of will be another crap… please narrate it Sir at least for the sake of entertainment…”

Barracuda’s trick seemed to work as Blackbeard started his lecture- Prof Sadie’s theory on Violence against Mermaids in India in Sadie’s words:-

India shares land with many neighbor countries, so there are some LOCs (line of control) recorded officially, which everyone is aware of. But there is another LOC inside India, a social LOC demarcating men and Mermaids on every possible unrecorded basis! The moment a boy attains his adolescence, he’s warned by his parents, either directly or indirectly in the name of culture and tradition, “Play with boys”. He doesn’t know why, so he helplessly keeps ogling at the maturing breasts of another adolescent girl. He doesn’t know there’s something called hormone which plays the shrewd game. He gets tickling down his balls and finds his peers in similar situation. A dozen of green horns gather and start the foundation of age old fantasy about the other sex which is thought to be responsible for the tickling which I mentioned before. There’s nobody to light a torch into those dark caverns as it’s more important to safeguard the century old conservative essence of Indian society (on a side note, parents/kids don’t even think it appropriate to watch a condom ad in television together!). As a result sexuality and fantasy is a spicy part of life which is essentially best when kept secret- this is the concept that gets embedded in every Indian male by the time he attains manhood. On the other side of LOC, a pubescent girl is warned against boys, “Nowadays boys are quite notorious, keep a distance”! Damn it, there’s no mom/dad to tell their son, “The piece of meat you’re wonder struck at is no different my dear son than your enlarging balls or the thickening bushes around them”… ridiculous indifference! Now if some Nirvana attained soul coins the idea of sex education, there’ll be ten political asses or social activists (really?) to preach against the sinful sex education which would surely spoil Indian-ness in India! Sex-ignorant, sex-starved and sex-demarcated males grow up like monsoon dogs. Future education slowly salvages some of them and the unfortunate ones with complete surreal impression of the other sex, either bites Mermaids before marriage or bites their own Mermaids after marriage… giving rise to ever growing cases of violence against Mermaids in India, growing at a rate of around five percent every year!

A melon headed lab technician with spinach green tailless bum ran into the professor’s cabin with flushed face, “Sir, Chief has ordered to sign the lifetime celibacy form within 2 Neptune seconds, otherwise he’ll decapitate the defaulter”. Prof Blackbeard couldn’t finish Prof Sadie’s theory of Indian social LOC for violence against Mermaids in India… he switched on his privileged jetpack and flew out of the lab with Dr Barracuda in a fraction of nanosecond.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Introducing the all new Datsun redi-GO

Datsun India appreciates that- it's not just health, employment or corruption-free society, but India’s youth deserve a machine that strengthens their sense of freedom, a machine that endows them with the confidence to go further, and that's the sole reason they have come up with Datsun redi-GO, an one of its kind hotchpotch of compact crossover and urban hatchback, a cutting edge machine to epitomize ultimate style, comfort and state of the art Japanese engineering! There already has been enough unnecessary (or, mildly necessary) hype on issues like marital rape, punishment for juvenile rapists, forged educational qualification and so on, but now it is time to shift our focus on a headline that actually has some merit. In less than two months we'll be able to witness the revolutionary Datsun redi-GO in India. Oh wait, this paragraph is getting unduly lengthy. I've read somewhere that excessive lengthy paragraphs, lengthy sentences, sentences in passive voice and poor formatting are few among many things in a blog which piss off its genuine readers. You won't understand how difficult it is to draw traffic on to your blog... the blog-o-sphere is just too saturated!

As I haven't been face to metal-face yet with Datsun redi-GO I do not know how it is really going to be like in the real world (remember those old Balboa's words- “The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it”?). I do not know what exactly its manufacturer intended while designing this urban cross. If you are looking for luxury, I can tell you Datsun redi-GO won't over-pamper you. But what this car does have are a very particular set of features, features it acquired over a very long span of research and development, features which make Datsun redi-GO a nightmare for cars of other manufacturers belonging to the same segment. I'm blind-assuming that you are not familiar with the 'Taken' series. So, I will talk about three of its thousand myriad features which are infuriating my machine lust and driving me crazy to to get a hold of Datsun redi-GO.

The official website says that the air conditioner of Datsun redi-GO has been optimized for eight months (in a year of course!) of Indian summer weather and its precisely measured air circulation ensures that the passengers are cozy inside. I sweat more than most of you. Actually it is familial for me. Many times my clothes resemble more like used tampons. Doesn't matter if the car has wobbly set of suspensions or swallows oil like a holed jerrycan, the first thing it should have is an effective air conditioning.

Its 0.8L mammoth three-cylinder i-SAT (Intelligent Spark Automated Technology) engine delivers a beastly power of 54 Ps at 5678 RPM and an insane torque of 72 Nm at 4388 RPM. Probably you know I'm a travel enthusiast and love hills. You do the mathematics and realize how conveniently I can drive uphill on this Datsun redi-GO. It should as smooth as walking on ice floor with a pair of old bathroom slipper.

The heightened stance on the Datsun redi-GO is another eye candy for me. If I sit high, I can see clearer, or at least I can feel like God and give that “give a damn” stare to my fellow lesser mortals on the street. You got to experience this my friend. Everything can't be explained on paper.

I would like to test a lime green Datsun redi-GO on the Manali-Leh route. I want to test it for power, reliability, wow-factor and definitely mileage. I want to show its prospective critics that an affordable urban cross can be equally versatile like any expensive SUV if it's built by a reputed company such as Datsun.

Blues is inevitable, especially when it is centered around urban driving. There's so much chaos and randomness around us that we lose faith, direction and purpose. Helpless we look up for God, but as you know He's a busy man and seldom found. Datsun redi-GO will fill up that void and make us act more sane. I know this concept is not so easy to absorb. That's why I'll write another article regarding this involving more of metaphysics.

Fun. Freedom. Confidence. The ultimate Urban Cross - Datsun redi-GO - the capability of a crossover with the convenience of a hatchback. 

(Image Couresy: Datsun India)